Suitably Bored’s E3 roundup (Better late than never)


Hey everyone! so better late than never right? This blog post has been sitting in my draft since the start of E3 2018, but with so much happening at E3 and in my personal life I never actually finished it. Which actually seemed to count in my favour, as it seems some of the most bats hit insane hot takes from video game journalists were released a week or so after all the latest games were showcased at this year’s E3. Just a small footnote, if you are a rabid foaming at the mouth fanboy then maybe you should not read this because I will be taking cheap shots at all of the major players that showcased their games at this year’s E3. So buckle up folks we are going for a ride! So let’s all hold hands around the dumpster fire that was E3 and bask in its glorious afterglow.

So where do we start? Should I save the worst for last? Or should we just kick this shit show off with arguably the worst showing of the entire event? What the hell let’s just jump head first in shall we?

Electronic Arts:

E3 2018 has clearly shown and demonstrated what empty soulless husk Electronic Arts have become and all the games they demoed and shown at E3 reflects this. And in my opinion, one of the worst showings at E3 even beating Konami in 2010 and Sony in 2006. And that is saying a lot I mean just looking at the people who were attending the live events reactions says it all:

No wonder they kicked off E3 first if went at any other time they would have been crushed by all the other conferences. First, they decided to dig up the corpse of the Command & Conquer franchise. And instead of doing something constructive and updated with it, they took a big giant shit all over it and what was the end result? Command & Conquer Rivals a game designed to take on Clash Royale:

And the reason why the franchise was dead and buried, was because of EA. They had absolutely no idea what made the series so popular with repeated failures. And in the end, it ended up in limbo only to be brought back from the dead to prove once again that they have no idea what to do with this franchise. Not only is this mobile game lacking any of the character or depth that people love about the series, it also lacks the most important part a soul. Which isn’t surprising considering this was designed to be a shameless cash grab.

Then there was the usual swaggle of sports games that are basically the same year in and year out. Just with a new coat of paint in no particular order: Madden NFL 19, NBA Live 19 and FIFA 19. Unless you are a hard-core fan of these franchises these announcements are about as exciting as watching the paint dry on a wall.

Then there was Battlefield V. Its “serious” trailer managed to elicit little more than a shrug from me. And I had a chuckle at their tagline “Reimagining Battle Royal” while basically copying what Fortnight and other battle royal games are currently doing. So basically a new Battlefield mode cashing in on the big hot thing called Battle Royal? Imagine my “shock” at the lack of creativity, but then again the writing was on the wall since the release of the announcement trailer.

So one of the least liked Star Wars games is getting DLC based on the worst movie of the prequel trilogy. Imagine my surprise. Battlefront II is taking on the Clone Wars, and will be getting more DLC so they can fleece that extra bit of money out of the Starwars fanbase. Basically, a few new maps and plenty of skins so EA can make some money out of those who love their Starwars nostalgia…

And the most disappointing part of the entire event? Destiny 3, er I mean Anthem. It is basically exactly like Destiny but with jetpacks. Mission-based group gameplay, returning to a central mission hub, set around classes with different abilities, fighting large enemies as a group. It will be always online, it even has a robotic companion who will hold your hand through every objective. They were even punting the exact same long-term plans and support for the game was what Bungi have been doing for Destiny. It is Bioware’s take on Destiny for and they aren’t even trying to hide that fact. And I can predict this now like I have done in the past, but this is going to be the nail in the coffin for Bioware.

EA has been doing its best to empty out our wallets for a long time and, have been counterintuitive to the rest of the industry. And their event at E3 2018 has shown just the level of soulless it has reached these last couple of years. Corporate greed has killed off what little soul the company had left, and unfortunately, I am guessing that Anthem will be the swansong for Bioware before EA takes it out back and shoots it.

Ubisoft:

Just for the record my excitement level for Beyond Good & Evil 2 just dropped through the floor, seriously Ubisoft what the actual fuck?! Firstly nice cinematic trailer but it says absolutely zero about the actual game, and having said that most cinematic game trailers look good these days. Secondly, how can you call it 2 if it’s a prequel? That makes absolutely zero sense to me and most other people out there.

Thirdly congratulations on turning the game into another fucking open world co-op sandbox game, so I assume we can expect plenty of go fetch quests and a cluttered map filled with Assassin’s Creed style garbage? And the biggest thing that irks me about the game is, why the fuck did you make it a prequel? Gamers wanted a sequel to CONTINUE the adventures of Jade. Not a fucking prequel…

Then there is good old Assassin’s Creed, which now has turned into the “copy and paste” of video game franchises much like Far Cry. Take the same engine, the same gameplay, and the same mechanics and just copy and paste it into a new setting and what do you get!:

Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey. It is like copying someone’s homework assignment and just changing it enough so that no one notices that it is pretty much the same thing again. I almost choked on my coffee when the guy who narrated the gameplay boldly announced: “For the first time in the history of the game, you would be able to choose between a male and female hero!” Wait a minute…

Did they just throw Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate under the bus? Hey you fuckin morons, you cannot claim you are being progressive when you write off an entire game just so you can look progressive again 3 years later. And it is not fuckin progressing anywhere if you did the same thing 3 years ago. This is what happens when you are so desperate to pander to those who complain about your games but never play them. And then there was The Division 2’s announcement which was about as exciting as watching paint dry…

Microsoft:

Microsoft, on the other hand, had a brilliant E3 conference they announced games like Cyberpunk 2077, Just Cause 4, Metro Exodus, Shadow of Tomb Raider. Wait a darn fuckin minute, there is something fishy going on here. Are these all exclusive Xbox titles? Nope does not seem that way:

The meme pretty much sums up Microsoft’s press conference at E3 this year. In recent times they have become a piece of furniture in a big empty room at these types of events, you notice the nice chair sitting in the corner but that is where your interest stops. Which brings me to the Shadow of the Tomb Raider trailer, Square Enix seems to suffer from long-term memory loss because according to the trailer we will see Lara Croft finally turn into the Tomb Raider we love and know. But wait a minute!? Haven’t Square Enix promising us this development for the last two games now? Does that mean not even they know when this event will take place or happen?

Bethesda:

Bethesda’s entire E3 press conference can be summed up in a single sentence: “Who like’s pre-rendered trailers that tell you absolutely fuck all about the games in question.”  And then we proceeded to learn nothing about Elder Scrolls 6, Star Field, Wolfenstein: Young Blood and Doom: Eternal. Instead of showing us more amazing DOOM: Eternal footage, they instead gave us a scripted video of RAGE 2 a sequel that no one asked for. But hey they revealed Fallout 76 right!

Always on internet? Multiplayer only, no NPC’s? And just like that, I lost interest in Fallout 76, now don’t get me wrong I am sure there will be people out there who will enjoy the game and consider it good by whatever standards they hold it up to. But clearly, this game is not aimed at me the long-time fan who has been enjoying the franchise since late 1997 almost 21 years ago. It really saddened me to see the franchise go into an online-only direction when it is known for its single-player experience. But I am guessing that this is what happens when you try and chase other developers when it comes to video game trends…

Sony:

Seems Sony’s first-party developers all have a hardon for post-apocalyptic settings featuring stealth-based gameplay. Just off the top of my head: Ghost of Tsushima and The Last of Us 2, where you run around (or sneak in this case) killing baddies in a post-apocalyptic setting. Then Koei Tecmo announced Nioh 2, only to be instantly fucked over by From Software’s new game called Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice. Talk about terrible timing. Then there is Death Stranding:

How the ever loving fuck did Death Stranding become so hyped? Nobody but Kojima really understands what is going on. Hell, I doubt even he understands what is going on. What did we get during the E3 reveal? Absolutely nothing other than an absolutely incoherent 9-minute trailer with lavish CG, confusing, incomprehensible mess of a story and with zero gameplay that people will gladly lap up just because of Kojima’s name being attached to the project. But we all know the Cult of Kojima would eat up anything he serves to them, without question.

Then there was the infamous lesbian kiss Ellie shared in The Last of Us 2 trailer, all while Naughty Dog and the gaming press boldly proclaimed that this will be a first for the industry. There have been gay and lesbian leads in video games for well over a decade now, this is nothing, new guys! Games like Dragon Age: Origins has been doing gay and lesbian relationships since 2009. Mass Effect has been doing it even earlier since 2007. Games like The Last of Us 2 isn’t breaking any new ground, they are just doing what other games have done years before.

Nintendo:

Hurrah! Nintendo never disappoints am I right? Oh, wait the Switch is getting games we all played like 2 years ago, with worse graphics and cut content due to the games graphical and storage limitations of the console. I mean seriously 32 GB of storage on a modern day console come now Nintendo! So basically it is a console for those who have been living under a rock the last 2-3 years. And in an amazing break in tradition, they did not announce yet another Zelda or Mario game.

But they did announce yet another Super Smash Bros called “Ultimate” same game as the previous title with more characters added. And like all of Nintendo’s gimmicks that have faded into obscurity Nintendo’s Labo was nowhere to be found during E3. You know that innovative invention where you pay a small fortune for some Nintendo branded card boxes and play pretend with them. I am guessing like most of their other gimmicks it has now been forgotten by Nintendo…

[Editorial Note:] Before going full Allahu Akbar on my ass, please note this is poking fun at the companies and does contain a fair bit of hyperbole. But there is no denying that some of the things I said are pretty obvious and true and that most people choose to ignore it because of all the hype flying around during the event. Which I covered in this article here.

About larch

I am a cucumber in a fruit bowl.
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